existential carousel

 1

His name was Nick and lived at the edge of a cliff. That’s right, he refused the world and headed to the woods. The moment of realization came for him – the realization that he was just like everybody else, the realization that there was nothing he could do. He was just like everybody else, he had the same impure thoughts, he loved food, he loved sex, he had strange erotic fantasies, he loved to deceive others just to feel superior, he loved to look good in the eyes of people, he loved to be loved, he loved to look like he was something more than other people and he was doing what was necessary to look so, he loved to hide things, to keep them for himself. From time to time he had trouble sleeping but he ignored the problem claiming it would work itself out. Until one day.

Until one day he woke up from a dreadful dream in which he was far away from everything that he loved. Only, it was not a dream anymore. He was, in fact, alone.  In the centre of his body – right where thoughts and feelings meet, he felt terrible pain. And love was not there anymore. Less, it was there but it had a different form – it had transformed into hate. He hated himself and he hated others. He could not move, he was paralyzed. He couldn’t get up. Then he asked himself ‘Do you want to live?’ ‘What kind of a question is that?’ inquired the second voice in his head. ‘A human kind of question,’ answer the third voice in his head. ‘You need to understand yourself first, everything else is negotiable. But you are what you are,’ a fourth voice joined the discussion. ‘SHUT UP!’ He screamed and got up.

‘You are living in paper castles,’ the fourth voice continued. Well…he didn’t even roll the dice in his head, he just closed his eyes for two seconds. Then he left. He packed one suitcase and rented his one flat and headed to the woods. Didn’t care about the odds. In any case, it is an interesting world that we are living in – everybody’s trying to close their eyes and absolve their sins. But it takes more. It takes so much more.

 

 

found-on-iampatrik
found on @IAMPATRIK (imgrum.net) 

 

Mia Culpa

Many things have ended for me, I’m done. Things like fighting for what is right or trying to fight and win over my demons. Things like speaking in the correct tense and trying to find some sense. Many things have ended for me in the cold evenings and had begun again in the even colder mornings. Seasons have changed and I am below the lowest I had ever gotten. It ain’t right. I’ve held my head high and I’ve been down in the dirt, in the mud. My moods have varied so much that I have destroyed relations with people. I’ve written so many words that I can’t remember them all. I’ve read so many words yet the white paper is the most sincere thing that exists. I’ve heard so many words that I’ve stopped listening. I’ve cared so much that I’ve ruined my inner self. I’ve blamed so much that I am to blame. I’ve seen so little of the world yet it feels like too much. I’ve tasted the madness now I want the touch

 

of gold.

 

 

18th of October 2016

 

 

wlodzimierz-kuklinski2
Enter a caption

Artwork by Włodzimierz Kukliński

factual

You are priceless

but you’re not faultless.

You are the embodiment

of the human sin.

And your soul twists

itself with a grin.

Your body is pain

covered with skin.

It is all so natural,

right and factual.

But the wind still pushes

your head to the sea.  why?

what do you think it means

to be free.

If not letting the world

touch you gently…                       July 2014

 

Pele Meets the Sea by John Foster
Pele Meets the Sea by John Foster

don’t go chase the wind.

Don’t run too fast. Not far, there’s a chasm. Close your eyes, you’ll feel where the pain comes from. So to remove that ugly wrecker and then become…

On the top of the highest hill I sat.

The clear air, the rope I needed to beware.

But then the wind grew sharp, as your words

And cut me loose, it’s my other side you educed.

Only a whisper was heard on my behalf.

The echo of my memories’ laugh.

                                                                          December 2013

photo source: tumblr
photo source: tumblr

vs.

The one who doubts in love is cursed to fail in life. No one knows this more than most of all. But I’d rather have a soul on my own. Tomorrow we’ll decide. Tomorrow is better than never, right? What do you say? I will always need my own place to bleed, you said you need to slow down the speed, of your life..what a strife!  Just don’t hold anything against me. Unless you decide to be with me.

Since I’ve been your number two and you’ve been my second choice, we fly on the clouds of our bitter oblivion.

 

1

need not

He needed not clear his heart for he knew what was inside of it.

He needed to clear his head.

She tried to help. But

her words left only rehearsed and the meaning was not meant to be accepted.

‘If that’s what you want’, she spoke, ‘well, you can have it. I don’t want to sail against high tides or fly in a windy sky.’

And he let it all slip.

The way it never was.                                                                   March 2014

source:  tumblr
source: tumblr