In any case, for me being published meant being in excruciating pain and saying it out loud. Тhat is a bravery in my world. It was never about the possible popularity or the attention of my acquaintances, or the questions everyone would start to ask. It was about being able to communicate all the things that had happened, all the things that I am.
‘Why are you only talking about mеn?’ the woman suddenly asked me. Victory had a smile on her face and the man looked rather bored as if he had heard it all before.
‘Because only a man can be the greatest inspiration for a woman.’
The woman smiled satisfactory and I felt like I made a right move, being so straightforward.
‘Continue, please.’ She told me calmly.
‘My god, but he was so far away. ‘Oh, darling, what are we to do?’, he spoke after the drink hit his heart and made the doubt come out, word-shaped. It was not love. It was that intellectual attachment, a form of understanding, but it was not love. It was night already and we were sitting in a bar, drinking. It was night already and nobody seemed to have noticed how the day went away.
He was a painter again, I forgot to mention that. As if I was in an inescapable circle. ‘We misbehaved for days and now we need to face the reality in this phase…’ ‘Of our lives’, he knew how to complement me. And sometimes right people meet in the wrong time. Just as often as the right time brings together the wrong type of people. And in those conditions love may be born, just as it may not be. Love is realization, love is born from the dirt, from the uninspiration, from the confusion. Love is holding on through the changes. People are always subject to change and to want that person through the changes is a proof of love. You could not know it before it happens, there is just no way. Before everything else, people are separate pieces of life, different entities. And we change in the course of our travelling through life. Holding onto and wanting to be with the person, perhaps having a reason is what defines one bit of the feeling called love. There are many more, if you are lucky enough to develop it with the person with you.
We both had our other emotions to cure. So we knew, it was not love that was born. It felt so, so good, but it was not love. It was all passion. All and only passion. And I knew that maybe one day, at the end of all the passion, at the place where our bodies lied, I may find something more than what I knew then. And he may also find his darling on the place where the separation dug, deep and slowly. But for now I did not know how I got his kisses on my neck again.
So there I was again, desperately trying to fuck everything out of myself. But it was not working, it was never working, and it will never work. Neither for me nor for anyone else. A body into a body, a mere penetration, an animal into its comfort zone, it never works.
I hope nobody would ever have to see what I saw in that evening. His face, the look. The destructive emotion. The agony of a soul. That was when I told him that I really did not want to be with him. The moon went mad, I swear. Rudely honest. Mad Moon. Half Life. Sleepless hours. Only lights. His look was attack directly on my soul. And he told me I was over so many things, and I said I didn’t care what I am over and who is lying under me anymore. It all had nothing to do with pride, at least not with my type of pride. But, god, his face in that evening. That pretty perfection under the spell of pure desperation…
Little mooncalves crawl on the cold, cracked ground. They try to avoid what comes after death.
The rain melts, becomes one with the puddles.
It’s here. It’s right here. The chaos.
We’re howling for light, for salvation. How insane!
We lock ourselves in a dark room. We throw the key through the window and condemn ourselves to eternal waiting. We’re waiting for someone to find that key, to come and save us. And the truth is – no one is bound to do it. There’s no ‘must’ in all this. They’ll just walk, and walk, and walk, and never stop. You’ll start screaming. And no one will hear. Because the window in your room is closed. Why the hell did you lock yourself there?! But when you start smothering in your own air, you’ll open it. And you’ll pray and pray for somebody, anybody to hear the last of you…the very last of your mind…of your sanity.
It’s in human nature, I guess. The need of light, the need to hope. Imagination is everything – creates all that the soul craves for…just because it doesn’t exist…just because it can’t be achieved.