It was one of those nights when everything seems perfect. A week before Christmas. His wife had already prepared irresistibly delicious dinner, when he walked into the house in that beautiful winter. His son playing with toys by the fire in the perfect little wooden house where they were living. He was wrapped in snowy veil, a cold tender silk.
`Is that you? `, his wife asked from the kitchen. A smile appeared in his lips. `Yes` he said and he put his camera on the cabinet by the door, while the snowflakes blended in water on the floor. When he marched to the kitchen his son saw him and ran into his arms `Father`. They went into the kitchen. `Did you managed to take it this time? ` His wife asked excited. `Yes, I did, I think I did. ` He answered with malicious smile, holding a bloody knife. `What the hell are you doing? ` She screamed in panic, almost paralyzed. His eyes dead cold abysses. He aimed the knife at her…
Suddenly he woke up, people screaming at him from the outside and causing pain in his head.
`I’m sorry, I’m moving, sorry. ` He screamed outside in the winter storm. They were sitting for three hours in the damned congestion. An exhale made its way from behind his teeth and formed a white cloud of coldness. Still four more hours to travel.
His job was not easy – long travels, carrying loads through the whole continent. He didn’t know what it was all about. He never listened to what his boss was saying, he didn’t read the paperwork. He only looked with that thoughtful look of his and drove on to the final destination. And the cold inside him was always ignorant of the matters that troubled his everyday life.
He was sitting by the road now, eating cheap food and staring into the sky. He was so thin, looked older than he actually was. When he finished his meal he took the camera and marched to the horizon. For he always dreamt of avoiding the current. There were things he could not bear and dreams he knew he shouldn’t dream. Some things are better left unknown, some prayers are better left unanswered and some vows are better left untaken. A flash of light, a sun ray touched his cheek. He loved the different aspects of reality so much that he had learnt to create them himself. There was a flock of sparrows in the sky and he looked at them with the sincere joy of a child. They were going somewhere, where was he going. He decided to have this kind of life – carrying loads, commodities. Perhaps because he didn’t want to be anything in particular. He was looking for freedom and quietness, but what did he find…
He was driving for three hours already when he saw this man waving his hands for somebody to stop. He stopped the vehicle of course.
`Oh, thank you so much` The stranger talked.
`No problem. ` He spoke with his calming voice. `Where do you need to get to? `
After a short conversation it turned out that the man needed to go to one of the towns that were on his way. The stranger’s car had broken down.
`Here, talk to your family, tell them that you’ll be home soon. ` He passed the stranger his mobile phone.
`I cannot accept this from you, you don’t even have enough power in your phone`
`Don’t worry about that. Nobody is going to look for me`
The stranger took the phone and touched the wedding ring on his finger thoughtfully.
The strange dream was chasing him for months now. After a battle with himself and a threat that he might get fired if he doesn’t take proper care of his mental status, he decided to go `talk to somebody`
`So where do you want to start? ` The psychologist’s voice asked.
`I strongly dislike to start anything. I have this dream that’s been chasing me for some moths. It is about how I kill the wife and son that I do not have. ` The irony in his voice made its way to the room.
`So you are not married. Would you like to get married some day? `
`I don’t know. As I said I do not like starting things, so that might answer your little question there. `
A seconds of silence.
`Don’t you think that having someone to rely on might help you feel better`
`No. People do not do things without expecting something as a recompense. And I really don’t bother. `
`Don’t bother starting? `
`Do not bother to live. `
`You isolate yourself from the world`
`It’s a conscious decision. Look how cool it is to play only with the words, they never betray you. `
It’s a cold spring this year. Everything looks blurry and yet somehow bright. He’s driving his car to a town nearby, going to see his one true friend. But suddenly, right before he drives into the town he makes a turn, goes faster and faster and then suddenly stops the car. He goes out and sees this abyss staring before him. He starts laughing sound and loud. Looks down to the abyss and sees what’s left of a life in the forsakenness. The air leaves his lungs in a warm and heavy sigh.